The fear

Who has ever heard of the saying (or is it a sentiment) that fear is a waste of emotion?   I tend to think this is a pretty accurate depiction.  Mostly because fear is almost always a feeling about an event that may or (more often) may not happen.  And it can be totally debilitating.  Like knock you off your feet and into a small clench fisted ball debilitating.  And it makes it really hard to get the most out of every day from a bed bound fetal position!

Getting breast cancer was not the start of fear in my life.  I mean everybody feels fear at some point, and probably me more than the next person.  In fact when I was in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  So yeah, I think I know a thing or two about fear, it’s something I’ve been dealing with for a good 20 years.

These days, I try to live beyond the fear (it’s still there but just buried a looooooong way down).  In fact, I’m more of a feel the fear and do it anyway kind of girl.  That’s why you will find me riding my snowboard in the terrain park, flying around Thailand on a motor bike and body surfing amongst 10 feet waves.  Come to think of it, I use my resistance to fear to propel me forward on a regular basis.

In the time since my breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments, I have taken the attitude of no fear to my survival as well.  Any time I sense a rising wave of doubt in relation to my health I quickly (mentally) squash it and focus on something else.  Some would say I live with my head in the sand, but I like to think my approach to fear and doubt is affording me a happier now.  And now is all I definitely know I’ve got.  So, self, don’t go changing.

But….reason for post incoming…… just lately, I have been having more of the fear.  Not enough to leave me laying awake at night mind you, but enough to cause that little butterfly type feeling  in my tummy.  Somewhat regularly.

It all started when I finally realized it was time to book myself in to see an Oncologist in New York, having previously relied on trips home and my legend Doctor back in Sydney.  Perhaps the fact that my wonderful and unlucky friend made such an appointment last year which ended in a pet scan and bone mets into the bargain is the major culprit?  Whatever the case,  I just know, I don’t want a scan.  I don’t want to wait and feel that horrible fear again.  Mostly, I don’t want any bad results to come my way.

Right now, I feel wonderfully well, I mean I just did a half ironman even type well.  I still take the dreaded hot flushing causing tamoxifen every day (much as I hate what it does to my thermostat).  And my belief system and inner voice are saying It’s all going to be fine.

But dammit, the fear is there anyway.   And it’s growing.   In the last month I have learned that my favorite friend from chemo passed away AND that another young BC blogger just had confirmation that her cancer is now showing up and her lungs…..and I must admit, it’s all adding up to me not feeling quite so bullet proof (once again).

So, that’s what is going on with me.  I am hoping beyond hope that the new Oncologist wont even think it’s a good idea to scan me.  And I will definitely (no matter what anyone says) be encouraging that type of decision.  But if I have to….I have to.   And I know full well that if that’s the case I am going to feel more fear than I have since March 2012….the last time I was scanned.

Fear, you are not welcome around here.  Be gone with you, you are not worthy and there is fun to be had right here an now.  This weekend I am going to watch some of my favorite triathletes do their first ironman race in Mont Tremblant Canada.   And I am going to leave my fear here inside this computer and on this little blog.  So bye bye fear, don’t come back ya hear?!